Effects of Childhood Cancer on Siblings

Siblings of a child afflicted with Cancer often experience different forms of Anxiety. They are constantly in a state of worry in regards to whether their brother or sister will be okay. They might even develop Separation Anxiety because while one parent stays with the sick child the siblings may have to stay with the other parent or other family members. This would cause the siblings to almost refuse to go anywhere without the parent they’re separated from. This makes things much harder if that is even possible on the parent or family member the siblings are in the care of. There is a constant worry for their brother or sister but also a longing to be with the parent they cannot be with at the time. This manifested itself personally for me with my daughter Addison. On the way to the hospital her brother and mom were staying at I would have to talk to her early and often about us leaving after a certain amount of time. This was to try and shave some anxiety off beforehand so that she knew going into the visit we couldn’t stay forever and they wouldn’t be coming home with us yet. As a parent of a child ho is battling cancer and separated from his wife and son this made things even more difficult. Once our time concluded and it was time to go there was an overwhelming amount of sadness anxiety and refusal to leave from Addison. She was so worked up about leaving that her younger brother Lincoln began to cry as well. She immediately would go to the worst possible scenario of never seeing her brother or mom again. This made the trip back home and our time apart until the next visit much more difficult. When Rachel and Jake were home on breaks from treatment. Addison didn’t want to go anywhere without her mom because she was afraid when she came back they would be gone again. She lived in constant fear and anxiety of something happening to her brother that would cause them to have to leave again.

Siblings of child afflicted with cancer have to be adaptable to new environments very quickly. Things change on the drop of a dime. Addison and Lincoln stayed with a lot of different family members and friends during the course of Jacob’s treatment. Often times it was a last minute ‘’Hey go pack your bags you are going to stay with so and so for a while.’’ As a parent you realize early on that your sick child needs you more than the other two but the heartbreak of them being passed around and separated from you is all the same. Addison and Lincoln would come to visit us in the hospital with different family members or friends. If the person or people they were staying with at the time weren’t their favorites or who they wanted to stay with it was a nightmare when it came time to leave. When Addisons preferred relative or friend had to pass her and Lincoln off to someone else the nightmare started all over again. Speaking of adapting to new environments just like their sick brother or sister hospitals, doctors and nurses had to become familiar. Friends even or at least they had to be comfortable enough with them to watch when they had to do things to their sibling that were painful/uncomfortable. Play rooms and child life therapists inside the hospital became places or people of distraction and peace away from all the horrors they saw while their sibling was sick. As much as they could be anyways.

Normal everyday routines even diets are affected for siblings of a child with cancer. They spend more times in a car traveling to a hospital or staying inside a hospital room then they do playing at home or with their friends. There is a lot of takeout and fast food that is consumed from being on the go all the time or sitting inside a hospital for days on end. As the parent who stays behind to take care of the siblings you try to make or keep their lives as normal as possible. It just doesn’t ever really happen that way. The duration of my time staying back with Addison and Lincoln was spent with all of us huddled together in different places. Addison quit and often times refused to sleep in her own bed when she was home with me away from her mom. She only wanted me to be with her or pick her up from school the majority of the time because I was her window to normalcy or the way it used to be before cancer. Therapy also became prevalent in Addisons life very early on because of the emotional, psychological and even physical toll cancer had on her as a bystander.

Siblings of childhood cancer lose a lot of attention from their parents very early on in the process. As I stated earlier as a parent you realize your sick child needs you more than the other ones. It is heartbreaking but it is the sad reality of the situation. I don’t want to compare childhood cancer to a newborn baby but the sick child needs much more attention and care than their siblings. There is a constant ‘’Let me help your brother or sister first and then I can help you.’’ Jacob lost the ability to walk so he spent the last 6 months of his life in a wheelchair. As you can imagine basic tasks that he used to be able to accomplish by himself before getting sick became nearly impossible afterwards. Jacob required a lot of attention and we spent the majority of our time helping and or worried about him. This took a toll on Addison in many forms. Going out to places that used to be fun or simply running errands weren’t very much fun anymore. The trips became shorter and just weren’t as enjoyable because Jacob was in pain or just too tired to stay very long. Addison would make little comments here and there that she wished she had gotten sick so that she could get all the attention. She didn’t know or understand what she was saying entirely but she lost out on a lot of time with both of us very early on.

Last but not least Siblings see their brother or sister in all sorts of pain more than half of the time. They see sides of their brother or sister they maybe didn’t know was there. All kids will throw temper tantrums and have bad days every now and then. The bouts of rage that children who have cancer manifest is unlike anything you could ever imagine. We used to compare Jake’s bouts of rage to that of waking a sleeping dragon. Addison saw Jacob lose his mind multiple times and it traumatized her because there was nothing anyone could do for him. She saw Jacob scream and cry from pain until he puked. The majority of the time she would just go in her room and cry because it hurt her to see him in so much pain without being able to stop it. As a parent of a child with cancer your heart breaks time and time again but so do their siblings.

-Ryan “Jakes Dad” Ringenbach